Brief Conversation with Maria Bello (from History of Violence and several of My Fantasies) where I use one of my patented tricks
Me: Say, while I've got you in this awkward pose, are you interested in having an Asian baby?
Maria Bello: What? Of course not.
Me: Good. Me neither. Let's get busy then.
? Conversation which took place just after the picture was taken with ?
Me: Hey, that was....that was...That black guy. The famous one.
White Volunteer 1: Yea him. Damn, who is he?
Me: God I can't think of his name.
White Volunteer 2: Was that Bernie Mac?
Me: No. It wasn't Bernie Mac. One of the other famous black funny guys?
White Volunteer 1: Are we racist?
Me: No, man. I love that guy.
William H. Macy. Jewish?
Me: Yo, William H. Macy, I saw your Sundance movie.
Macy: Yea, wasn't it funny?
Me: Well, yea. But you can't say that.
Macy: It was so funny.
Me: Well, yea, but seriously though. You can't say your own movie was really funny. That's like saying, I'm so good looking. You're movie vein. I wish I had a razor to shave that silly yet totally awesome moustache off your sweet countenence.
Macy: You can't grow a moustache can you.
Me: (tears welling up in my eyes)
Macy: Hey, kiddo. It's okay. I was born with this moustache but I'm sure it will all work out for you.
William Hurt, But he's just Bill to me. Scary Scary Bill.
Me: Bill, take a picture with me.
Bill: Well, where are you from?
Me: I'm from Michigan. Is that alright?
Bill: No problem with that, that's an okay state.
Me: (I put my arm around his shoulder)
Bill: (Throws my hand off) No, none of this touching stuff.
Me: Um. (I just throw my hands up and look bewildered)
Bill: Well, put your hands down. I'm not attacking you.
Me: Well, I don't know. You did try to kill your brother in History of Violence.
Bill: That was a movie. There's something wrong with your instincts.
Me: MY instincts?? You got your ass kicked in that movie. Hard.
Old Dames. What can I say, they gave me some free booze?
There wasn't really a conversation here as much as a period when things got a little awkward after I wanted to play this great new drinking game I'd invented called 'Who Wants to Put Me in Their Will?'
Ronald McDonald?
Again, there wasn't really a conversation since he's not allowed to talk. But if you're gonna bring lips like that into a bar at four in the afternoon you better be expecting to get a kiss or two. I hope I don't get killed for that in Utah. Come on, it's clearly an androgynous clown. The charges would never stick. In a related note, if you're ever wondering whether the person in the costume is deaf or not, just stand next to them for a picture and whisper into their gigantic styrofoam ear, "I'm so stoned right now." Speaking of which, "Hey, shitty granola bar company, I want my pictures with your shitty granola wearing mascot." Nothing worse than a lying granola bar mascot picture taker. If you can't trust them, then who can you trust?
Jonah Hill. Although he is looking a little big...and old...and Spanish?
Me: Dude, Jonah Hill, you were sweet in Superbad?
Jonah Hill: No, man. That's not me.
Me: Don't worry man, I'm not gonna try to put the moves on you. you don't need to hide your identity.
Jonah Hill: God man, I think you're drunk. I'm not that guy.
Me: Don't deny your stardom. It's cool. I'm gonna go grab another free martini. Did you know they're eco-friendly?
I don't even know anymore.
Me: Yo, Jason Schwartzman. You're the man.
Jason: Who do you think I am?
Me: You're Jason Schwartzman from the Darjeeling Limited. Sorry dude, but that movie blew.
Jason: Ha, most people think I'm Borat.
Me: No, I don't see that at all.
Borat: Come on man, really? You okay? Hey, open your eyes.
Me: Well, yea. You want a free martini? I don't know how but they're eco-friendly
Evan Hadler? The bald Jewish guy from Sex and the City.
Me: Hey man, would you mind taking a picture of me and my friends (at the next table).
Evan: (looking really sad) I guess.
Me: Thanks man.
Evan: (looking even sadder) That was a really great picture of you guys.
Me: Oh, weren't you in something?
Evan: (Looking a little happier) I used to have a role in Sex and the City.
Me: I guess I could take a picture with you and send it to my mom or something. I'm pretty sure she knows who you are.
Evan: (Looking more optimistic about the rest of his days)
Me: Okay Okay. Just don't follow me to a fancy restaurant tonight and pretend it's a big coincidence.
note: he did not listen.
note 2: I hope Maria Bello knows my offer still stands
